Depression Is Back

Well, the depression is back. Not sure what's brought it on this time, but it had me pretty badly this weekend. The major issues seem to be boredom and lack of purpose, as in I have no idea why I'm alive or what I'm doing here, and there doesn't seem much prospect for things to get better. In fact, I can't imagine them getting better, which I think is important. In the past, when I've struggled, I've always had it in the back of my mind that I was working for something. But now it just seems like I'm marking time.

I'm going to the First Tuesday talk tomorrow at Roy Street Coffee and Tea. This is put on by The Film School, which may be a direction for me to go that is more fulfilling, or maybe just a way for me to meet some people that I share a common interest with.

Not as bad today

The cloud of depression that's been hitting me intermittently the last few weeks lifted somewhat last night and it seems as if that state has persisted into this morning, since I don't feel quite as hopeless. I think getting the contact from Luke on the potential job opportunity helped a great deal, as did the social interaction last night with Joe and Meredith at CrossFit and getting the PR on my deadlift.

The fundamental problem remains though, which is that I lack a central mission in life and that I feel very much like I'm wasting my life doing what I'm doing. I need to move towards something that is at least more team oriented and has some interaction with others on a daily basis.

Depression

Depression is falling over me like a black cloud and I don't know what to do about it. I'm having trouble getting up in the morning and going to sleep at night. I'm not eating right and I'm skipping workouts. I hate my job, mostly because it's boring and unengaging and I feel like I could get fired at any time, so I'm constantly on edge. My apartment remains unfurnished. I don't have a family. It seems like there's nothing in particular that I'm living for. I don't look forward to much of anything - books, movies, sports, or social activities. I look forward to the weekends because I don't have to work, but mostly they are a nightmare of boredom.

Reasoning my way through this, I obviously need to change things up. I wasn't this depressed just a couple of months ago. I suspect it started when Tania and Rick left the group (work) and then when Steve (justifiably) threatened to fire me. I know that stagnation and not getting things done makes this worse and I know that the isolation of my current job makes it worse as well along with knowing that there could be a future loss of income. At work, the pace of work has declined, which has me interacting less with others, which means I'm mostly sitting in this office with Bruce all day long feeling bad about myself. So that cycle obviously makes things worse. There are days where I get very few emails or none at all that actually matter. I'm completely disconnected.

Some non-work goals:

1) Apply to at least one job each day - or let's say 5/week.
2) Assemble furniture
3) Buy pictures and hang them on the walls
4) Buy a couch
5) Plan a vacation
6) Pay bills
7) work out at least 3X each week

I'm also wondering how much of this is related to my sleep cycle. There are days where I feel like the walking dead - like I'm only half awake and everything is just kind of dull. I feel slow, slow, slow - like molasses. It could be that my allergies are coming back as well. I felt a little bit of irritation two night ago.

The underlying problem I think is that I don't feel any sense of mission in life, and it's like a big gaping hole in my sense of my self and my place in the world. I feel like I'm just moving through life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I'm existing in the moment and in the moment only, but that's all I'm doing. Is this why people like religion, because it helps you get through this?

I feel moderately better after having written all this, but still only half-awake. It's a bit like looking out at the world through a dull, blurry windowpane.

Blast from the past: 11.5.2011 - Write Your Own Job Description

Found something in my blog that I was writing on 11.5.2011 but never published. I think it maps pretty closely to my later blog post on my personal strengths inventory.

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I'm reading J. Allard's exit email from Microsoft. It's fascinating and you can find it here.

About halfway down the page, he writes how the Microsoft interviewer challenged him to write his own job description. I've heard of this happening before in interviews and while it's never happened to me, it occurred to me that this would be an excellent exercise for someone like myself that is STILL trying to figure out what his strengths/value proposition are. In other words, if I start networking like crazy over the next month, what impression do I want to leave with people so that they have a rock-solid idea of what it is that I do and how I can be of value.

I also completed the Strengthsfinder 2.0 survey last night and while the results are interesting and definitely relevant to this exercise, I'm going to table my thoughts on those for a separate post. For now, I'm simply going to try and brainstorm a bit on what I think my ideal job would be and what my value proposition should look like.

First of all, if I look back at those jobs where I've done well, one dominant theme, or persona, comes up, that of the "cross-functional problem solver".

So, what exactly is a cross-functional problem solver? Within an organization, the CFPS is an individual that, fundamentally, has an ability to work closely with other teams and functional disciplines to get things done.

What are some characteristics of this persona?

Strong communicator
Doesn't sweat the small stuff
Strong critical-thinking ability
Broad knowledge of the various functions within an organization
Curiosity, inquisitiveness
Negotiation Skills
Ability to look at issues from the other person's perspective
Ability to work with technical people
Strategic thinker - understands the larger goals and objectives of the organization
Customer focus

Here are some of the jobs I've done where these skills and abilities came into play:

Back in the day, in the Marine Corps, things turned around for me when I took on the Orders Clerk job. That job involved a certain amount of Project Management and a lot of coordinating with other agencies, such as Disbursing and the team that handled the movement of household goods. Also, there was a fair amount of coordinating with higher headquarters units, group and wing, and various other units around the base. I shouldn't forget the interaction with various Officers and NCOs, keeping them up to speed on what was happening with their people, and also the last minute dance to get orders signed, either by the CO or one of the other officers with signing authority. Another skill involved in that job could be described as the ability to understand the logic of the bureaucracy and administrative regulations.

After college, I worked as a Technical Router at Microsoft. This was my first call center job. Mostly, this was a communications-focused role. Critical to success was the ability to communicate with the customer and the various technical teams and to develop a broad understanding of the technologies being used. I was really, really good at this job. I also did exceptionally well as a coach and trainer when the program expanded.

Next would be working at drugstore.com, first as a customer service rep and then later as an Ops Guy (various titles). My time as a CSR was fine, but not especially instructive in terms of my overall strengths, aside from customer focus. Although there is a cross-functional element to it, the basic job of a CSR is to support the customer with the tools at hand. This changed to a large degree when I went to work on the Operations Team, first as the workflow coordinator, or whatever you want to call it, and then later taking on scheduling and reporting and eventually doing the Blue Pumpkin implementation. A large part of my role during the last 2+ years at drugstore.com could very easily be described as problem solver at large for the contact center. I'll write more about that later.

After leaving drugstore, I worked a number of different contracts at Microsoft. The common theme again was problem solver. The TAP was probably the best example of this, as I entered a situation where they were close to project failure and basically rescued it. I need to do some more writing on this and try to remember all the little things I did. How did I rescue the project? What were the key elements? This was likely my very best work performance of all time. I was really, really engaged with this project.

Interesting Feedback

Got some mixed feedback yesterday on my job performance. The feedback largely aligns with my own evaluation of myself, though there were some points made that I think are unfair. 

The criticism, for the most part, is about the program not really moving forward and becoming more robust, which I think is largely accurate. If I'm being honest, the problem is that I haven't put too much thought into it over the last year. Of course, I've also been learning the job, so there is that. There are skills involved in this that I've developed during this last year that are much stronger than they were previously. During that period, as I've been learning the skills of this program, I've also been managing the day to day activities well enough. In fact, I'm quite strong on that aspect of things. I do well at managing meetings, working with people, communicating, negotiating, and general responsiveness. These are all aspects of my job that align really well with my strengths. Where I have trouble is putting together this larger program that is more robust and encompassing in such a way that it improves the way that people in our org go about their daily business. 

There are a few parts of this criticism that I think are unfair. First, I can't make other people do their jobs correctly. I can't force the service managers I work with to be strong service managers. I can't force them to engage the right stakeholders in their projects. I can't solve the problem that the groups in this organization don't talk to one another. Second, I'm pretty busy with my day to day work. Between the main thing and this other work that I do with A, and various ad-hoc projects that get thrown at me like Telemetry or setting up a Test Pass group or supportability, my day is reasonably full. It's not like I'm sitting around doing nothing all day long. Also, all of these smaller things they give me add up and divert my attention. Hopefully I'm not just whining about this. Third and last, I'm all alone here. It's just me. I don't have a team. I don't have resources. I'm a vendor working with Full Time Employees, which can be pretty isolating. 

As an aside, I should mention that I would like to get a new job. But that isn't just about this feedback that I received yesterday because, as I said up above, the criticism is largely legitimate. Basically, this is S telling me that he is an unsatisfied customer. So, what do I do about that? Do I just crumple under the pressure and let myself get fired, or do I rise to the occasion and actually create this program the way that he and I both know that I can? The prize, if I can get that done, will be something much better six months from now. If I can do this the way that I think it needs to be done, then that will be a learning and growth experience that will make me a better PM and leader, and an accomplishment that I can hang my hat on.

Productization as a service offering

Productization as a service offering would include a bundle of services. Here are some thoughts on what those could be.

1) Project Management - putting all of the pieces together to get your product from prototype to an actual product that customers can buy. What are those steps? 

2) Market Strategy - who are the customers and how do you reach them? But more than just the big picture analysis, a productized marketing strategy would include a complete marketing plan with specific steps. Now, there might be a level of detail left out here if marketing execution is going off to another firm, which seems likely. There are marketing firms out there already that specialize in campaign execution and management. In this case, it seems likely that the marketing plan would be higher level. 

3) Distribution - how will the product get out to customers? If it's a physical product, then we're talking about retailers. If electronic, what are the standard distribution channels, what are their costs, and how do you maximize them? Import and export laws are important here.

4) Manufacturing - if a software product relies entirely on electronic distribution channels, then maybe this isn't necessary. 

5) Support - how do you support the product? 

6) Legal and regulatory - different markets have varying legal constraints. Import and export laws and controls are an important touchpoint mentioned already. Product liability is another. What happens if your product bursts into flames?

 

Productization

I was talking to a friend of mine today that made a suggestion for a business that rings true for me. He suggested a consultancy built around the concept of productization. I didn't really know what that meant and he clarified that he was talking about the concept of moving a product from prototype to market. 

I also found this blog post from last year, which deals with the concept of productization of professional services. Since this sort of business would be a professional service, or set of services, I imagine it's the sort of thing you would want to productize as well. Since this is Seattle, we're probably talking about software products for the most part, and it seems like one would need to be on the radar of some of the local venture funds. Once a local startup gets the funding to go to market, they need to find a way to get that done.

One More Thing

I'm sick to death of not being in charge of my own destiny and as long as you're working for other people, that's kind of the deal. I'm more than smart enough to do this.

Starting One's Own Business

I just took a look at my last post from back in July. I think the strengths inventory was, and is, largely accurate. That's interesting information, since a few days ago some friends from work approached me about starting our own company. I think a lot of those strengths line up perfectly with running a small-medium size business.

A big part of the economy in the Seattle area, and presumably in other cities with lots of tech companies, is what you might call these 3rd or 4th tier "consulting" firms. Primarily, what these companies do is staff augmentation. They supply workers of varying skill levels to work at these companies alongside their regular employees. At Microsoft, most of these workers are listed as vendors, some are listed as contingent staff. As I said, this secondary workforce works alongside Microsoft FTE's. In most cases, vendors do more specific tasks than FTE's, and that's kind of the main difference. Vendors spend a lot of time in their offices (or working from home) performing tasks that FTE's don't have either the time or willingness to do themselves. Some vendors, like me, are more senior level and do more planning-oriented type work, but that sort of thing is less common. There are also some vendor engagements where an entire set of services is essentially outsourced to the vendor company, where there is an entire team involved, and someone on the vendor team actually manages the day to day activities of the team. That sort of thing is less common at Microsoft. I want to say it happens more often at AT & T. I interviewed for one position there managing one of those teams for a vendor company, and I came close to getting that job. 

This is the type of business we're thinking about getting into. The obvious issue here is that the field is crowded. There are LOTS of companies trying to fill these slots. In Seattle, my guess is that there's something like fifty of these companies. That's the downside. On the upside, the barriers to entry are relatively minor and it's basically a sales and customer service business. It's also a relatively straightforward business. The name of the game is getting your foot in the door with different divisions and then making sure you manage relationships effectively.  

Tomorrow or the next day, I'll meet with these people and we'll talk this over. This isn't a slam dunk business, but it's very doable.