8.5.21 - Sorting out some thoughts

I'm having some trouble with my negative feedback loop. I had a good employment situation and then got fired. I'm not sure to what extent that was my fault. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything, and yes, I am ultimately responsible. But at the same time there are some things I can't control. I think in that situation what was needed was someone that was more of an extrovert, with the ability to sell people on a course of action. And I was doing that, I thought, until the rug was pulled out from under me. 

In this pattern of irregular employment and difficulty in searching out jobs, there must be some aspects of the pattern that I can correct, where I can modify my behavior so that my presence is accepted more readily and there is more of a desire to keep me around.

The number one issue that seems to be hurting me in all of these job experiences is dealing with the ambiguity over what my job is and what my superiors want. In this last job, I think what would have worked is more of an aggressive, can-do attitude - more of an active leader. I did tell them in the interview that this was not my style, that I preferred to listen and observe at first, to try and understand how the team operates and to make sure that I'm not breaking what's working right now. I still think that's the smart way to do it. But that didn't work. 

I should acknowledge as well that I may have been simply undercut politically. When V announced he was converting to FTE, that was simultaneous with my getting fired and so I think he did that. And the reason he did it was because of the stupid stuff the consulting firm was doing with him, basically ganging up on him and putting me in place to try and manage him to some extent, which I was never comfortable with. So he must have perceived me as a rival or at least someone that wasn't on his side. 

Okay, that's enough for now. I need to work on other tasks.

Some Thoughts on Jobs and Career Progression

From November 2020,

It's been a couple years since I've updated this blog. I should do so more often, as a way of capturing my thoughts and my thinking process at particular moments in time. 

My thinking process in many ways is sort of the crux of the matter. I'm extremely down on myself most of the time and that needs to change I think.

One issue is my personal life. I've been dwelling lately on my lack of a family and children. I remember years ago going out one night with a female friend and she sort of zeroed in on a fear of mine, which is that I would essentially be alone for most of the rest of my life. As of now, at the age of 50, this seems like the most likely scenario. The only woman in my life right now is Sydney, and she's not exactly a daily companion. And I'm sure when she eventually gets married, that will be it for that friendship, just like what happened with Jenn. I should be realistic that this is a normal thing, that when women get married, any male friends in their orbit will become awkward appendages.

So this is sort of an issue, a track that's on a replay loop in my head a fair amount of the time, that is basically saying over and over again that I'm defective. On the other hand, if I'm being honest, it would be very hard for me to adjust to sharing my life with someone. I REALLY, REALLY like having my alone time. I don't like answering to someone else for my time. But it would be nice to spend more time with Sydney. I really like her.

How this connects to my career is more holistic, in the sense that it's just one more factor that sort of pushes me towards this negative self-image and sense of being a failure, and when I bring that attitude into job interviews or even jobs themselves, that has an effect on my performance. 

What's unrealistic here is that the negative self-image is imaginary in many respects. When I'm working, I mostly do a good job. That so many roles have been short-term the last few years has mostly not been my fault. If I were better at selling myself and kind of networking while in role, some of those would have been extended, but that sort of thing is extremely hard for me.

I have to admit though, that when the contract at TMO got pulled out from under me in February, that was really hard. And the fact that the guy they replaced me with was so terrible made it even worse. I was doing everything right and they still fucked me over for no good reason. Usually, I can figure out something I did wrong and sort of justify why they might not like me. I'm good at doing that. But this time I knew I was doing a great job. Everyone I worked with liked me. One guy flat out told me I was the best he'd seen in the role.