The cloud of depression that's been hitting me intermittently the last few weeks lifted somewhat last night and it seems as if that state has persisted into this morning, since I don't feel quite as hopeless. I think getting the contact from Luke on the potential job opportunity helped a great deal, as did the social interaction last night with Joe and Meredith at CrossFit and getting the PR on my deadlift.
The fundamental problem remains though, which is that I lack a central mission in life and that I feel very much like I'm wasting my life doing what I'm doing. I need to move towards something that is at least more team oriented and has some interaction with others on a daily basis.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Depression
Depression is falling over me like a black cloud and I don't know what to do about it. I'm having trouble getting up in the morning and going to sleep at night. I'm not eating right and I'm skipping workouts. I hate my job, mostly because it's boring and unengaging and I feel like I could get fired at any time, so I'm constantly on edge. My apartment remains unfurnished. I don't have a family. It seems like there's nothing in particular that I'm living for. I don't look forward to much of anything - books, movies, sports, or social activities. I look forward to the weekends because I don't have to work, but mostly they are a nightmare of boredom.
Reasoning my way through this, I obviously need to change things up. I wasn't this depressed just a couple of months ago. I suspect it started when Tania and Rick left the group (work) and then when Steve (justifiably) threatened to fire me. I know that stagnation and not getting things done makes this worse and I know that the isolation of my current job makes it worse as well along with knowing that there could be a future loss of income. At work, the pace of work has declined, which has me interacting less with others, which means I'm mostly sitting in this office with Bruce all day long feeling bad about myself. So that cycle obviously makes things worse. There are days where I get very few emails or none at all that actually matter. I'm completely disconnected.
Some non-work goals:
1) Apply to at least one job each day - or let's say 5/week.
2) Assemble furniture
3) Buy pictures and hang them on the walls
4) Buy a couch
5) Plan a vacation
6) Pay bills
7) work out at least 3X each week
I'm also wondering how much of this is related to my sleep cycle. There are days where I feel like the walking dead - like I'm only half awake and everything is just kind of dull. I feel slow, slow, slow - like molasses. It could be that my allergies are coming back as well. I felt a little bit of irritation two night ago.
The underlying problem I think is that I don't feel any sense of mission in life, and it's like a big gaping hole in my sense of my self and my place in the world. I feel like I'm just moving through life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I'm existing in the moment and in the moment only, but that's all I'm doing. Is this why people like religion, because it helps you get through this?
I feel moderately better after having written all this, but still only half-awake. It's a bit like looking out at the world through a dull, blurry windowpane.
Reasoning my way through this, I obviously need to change things up. I wasn't this depressed just a couple of months ago. I suspect it started when Tania and Rick left the group (work) and then when Steve (justifiably) threatened to fire me. I know that stagnation and not getting things done makes this worse and I know that the isolation of my current job makes it worse as well along with knowing that there could be a future loss of income. At work, the pace of work has declined, which has me interacting less with others, which means I'm mostly sitting in this office with Bruce all day long feeling bad about myself. So that cycle obviously makes things worse. There are days where I get very few emails or none at all that actually matter. I'm completely disconnected.
Some non-work goals:
1) Apply to at least one job each day - or let's say 5/week.
2) Assemble furniture
3) Buy pictures and hang them on the walls
4) Buy a couch
5) Plan a vacation
6) Pay bills
7) work out at least 3X each week
I'm also wondering how much of this is related to my sleep cycle. There are days where I feel like the walking dead - like I'm only half awake and everything is just kind of dull. I feel slow, slow, slow - like molasses. It could be that my allergies are coming back as well. I felt a little bit of irritation two night ago.
The underlying problem I think is that I don't feel any sense of mission in life, and it's like a big gaping hole in my sense of my self and my place in the world. I feel like I'm just moving through life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I'm existing in the moment and in the moment only, but that's all I'm doing. Is this why people like religion, because it helps you get through this?
I feel moderately better after having written all this, but still only half-awake. It's a bit like looking out at the world through a dull, blurry windowpane.
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