8.5.21 - Sorting out some thoughts

I'm having some trouble with my negative feedback loop. I had a good employment situation and then got fired. I'm not sure to what extent that was my fault. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything, and yes, I am ultimately responsible. But at the same time there are some things I can't control. I think in that situation what was needed was someone that was more of an extrovert, with the ability to sell people on a course of action. And I was doing that, I thought, until the rug was pulled out from under me. 

In this pattern of irregular employment and difficulty in searching out jobs, there must be some aspects of the pattern that I can correct, where I can modify my behavior so that my presence is accepted more readily and there is more of a desire to keep me around.

The number one issue that seems to be hurting me in all of these job experiences is dealing with the ambiguity over what my job is and what my superiors want. In this last job, I think what would have worked is more of an aggressive, can-do attitude - more of an active leader. I did tell them in the interview that this was not my style, that I preferred to listen and observe at first, to try and understand how the team operates and to make sure that I'm not breaking what's working right now. I still think that's the smart way to do it. But that didn't work. 

I should acknowledge as well that I may have been simply undercut politically. When V announced he was converting to FTE, that was simultaneous with my getting fired and so I think he did that. And the reason he did it was because of the stupid stuff the consulting firm was doing with him, basically ganging up on him and putting me in place to try and manage him to some extent, which I was never comfortable with. So he must have perceived me as a rival or at least someone that wasn't on his side. 

Okay, that's enough for now. I need to work on other tasks.

Some Thoughts on Jobs and Career Progression

From November 2020,

It's been a couple years since I've updated this blog. I should do so more often, as a way of capturing my thoughts and my thinking process at particular moments in time. 

My thinking process in many ways is sort of the crux of the matter. I'm extremely down on myself most of the time and that needs to change I think.

One issue is my personal life. I've been dwelling lately on my lack of a family and children. I remember years ago going out one night with a female friend and she sort of zeroed in on a fear of mine, which is that I would essentially be alone for most of the rest of my life. As of now, at the age of 50, this seems like the most likely scenario. The only woman in my life right now is Sydney, and she's not exactly a daily companion. And I'm sure when she eventually gets married, that will be it for that friendship, just like what happened with Jenn. I should be realistic that this is a normal thing, that when women get married, any male friends in their orbit will become awkward appendages.

So this is sort of an issue, a track that's on a replay loop in my head a fair amount of the time, that is basically saying over and over again that I'm defective. On the other hand, if I'm being honest, it would be very hard for me to adjust to sharing my life with someone. I REALLY, REALLY like having my alone time. I don't like answering to someone else for my time. But it would be nice to spend more time with Sydney. I really like her.

How this connects to my career is more holistic, in the sense that it's just one more factor that sort of pushes me towards this negative self-image and sense of being a failure, and when I bring that attitude into job interviews or even jobs themselves, that has an effect on my performance. 

What's unrealistic here is that the negative self-image is imaginary in many respects. When I'm working, I mostly do a good job. That so many roles have been short-term the last few years has mostly not been my fault. If I were better at selling myself and kind of networking while in role, some of those would have been extended, but that sort of thing is extremely hard for me.

I have to admit though, that when the contract at TMO got pulled out from under me in February, that was really hard. And the fact that the guy they replaced me with was so terrible made it even worse. I was doing everything right and they still fucked me over for no good reason. Usually, I can figure out something I did wrong and sort of justify why they might not like me. I'm good at doing that. But this time I knew I was doing a great job. Everyone I worked with liked me. One guy flat out told me I was the best he'd seen in the role. 

Rejected!

So, I will not be progressing with the company I referred to in my last post. Maybe some day, but not now. 

Got to keep my spirits up and not get caught in the negativity, which I'm prone to do. 

Interview Prep Pt.1

I had a phone interview two days ago with a recruiter from a company I would be excited to work for. The pay part of this job wouldn't be as great as what some of my peers are getting at some of the larger tech companies in the area, but it would be a much better fit for ME, where hopefully I could stay for several years and start to grow a career.

The next stage in the process would be a phone interview with an actual PM that works for the company. I have her first name, so tomorrow when my LinkedIn resets from the commercial use limit, I should be able to find her profile and at least get a notion of who she is. 

I feel reasonably confident that I WILL in fact be invited to participate in this next stage of the process. My call with the recruiter went pretty well - she didn't ask any really tough questions and I suspect she was screening more for cultural fit than anything else and since I love animals, I'm sure I passed that part. But still, we will see.

What I need to do now is to start the process of figuring out some of my own issues - my feelings about myself that have been holding me back. Back in March, I wrote on this blog about the results of some personality tests that I took. My feeling at  the time was, in a sense, that I was kind of doomed. The fact is that low conscientiousness correlates highly to lack of professional success. 

But, if I look back at where I've mostly gone wrong the last few years, it wasn't lack of work ethic that fucked me. Rather, it was the neuroticism -  the feeling of not belonging, of not being wanted, of being suspect, of not having any real worth in the eyes of the people and organizations I was working in - along with my deep seated fear of negative feedback - that really screwed me.

I think one of the reasons I'm so scared of negative feedback is that I know that I have avoidance tendencies when it comes to aspects of the job where I have to learn how to do something that confuses me. For example, when I was in that IT role a few years back, Steve was on me to build out a dashboard showing our numbers, but I avoided that task like crazy because I didn't know what I was doing in terms of rendering it on SharePoint. But when it came to aspects of the job where I felt more confident, I was generally more energetic and "conscientious" about getting the work done. 

But the thing of it is, for the most part that role was a pretty positive one. There was some tension between Steve and me, but overall I did a lot of good work there and one on one's were almost always positive. Let's see, there was that damn dashboard and there was that stupid telemetry project, but not a whole lot else that were issues between us. 

What I really need to do going forward is to confront these issues. If I'm feeling lost or confused, I need to use the concept of mindfulness to own these feelings and get past them. 

End of pt. 1

  

My Personality Is Holding Me Back

My personality is what is holding me back. Primarily, I seem to be low in conscientiousness. That's the main culprit.

I've taken two different personality tests online and the results are generally the same with some variation that probably more to do with how questions are phrased and how I'm feeling about myself at that particular moment.

The way these tests work is by presenting you with a series of statements which you basically rate from "Strongly Disagree" to "Strongly Agree". Mathematically, I imagine the way this works is as follows:

Strongly Disagree - 1

Disagree - 2

Neutral - 3

Agree - 4

Strongly Agree - 5

Answers are scored something like the above, though I think in some cases the values associated with answers are reversed, so a "Strongly Disagree" answer might result in a 5 instead of a one. It just has to do with how the statements are phrased. I imagine they do that to try and keep people honest. 

The tests are an attempt to measure where we stand in terms of the Big 5 personality traits, sometimes referred to as the "Big 5 Inventory".

Here are the 5 traits and how I generally score for each:

Openness - Middle to Above Average

Agreeableness - High

Extraversion - Very Low

Concientiousness - Middle to Below Average

Neuroticism - High

So basically, I'm a somewhat intellectual and imaginative neurotic introvert that's nonetheless easy to get along with, but lacks a super-strong work ethic. 

That last part is the real killer I think, just in terms of career. I KNOW, that I do not have a strong inherent work ethic. I'm not high energy. I don't feel driven to get things done - most of the time. There are occasional exceptions to that, but generally that's the case. 

One of the ways that I've dealt with this over the years is by performing well under pressure. This isn't always pleasant, of course. When the pressure is something I create for myself by procrastinating on a task (like creating a PowerPoint deck), the usual result is that the time I spend not doing that task is time spent in misery and dread. 

But there are other pressure situations that actually are kind of fun. Working on a project with other people is one of those situations. 

Career Plan: Some more thoughts

Just want to get this down while it's fresh in my head. The idea is to create a series of how-two PowerPoint presentations. 

Here are the initial ideas:

1. How-to manage a project - the basics
2. How-to create a communications plan
3. How-to implement agile
4. How-to establish a ROB
5. How-to implement a  PMO

Career Plan

It's been quite some time since I updated this blog. That's a mistake, I think, and moving forward I should try and update more frequently.

What I want to get down in writing is my current status with regard to my latest job search. As things stand right now, I'm running out of cash and pushing as many of my daily expenses to my Discover Card as I can. That's robbing Peter to pay Paul, but it buys me time.

The interview loop with the consulting firm was encouraging, but at the same time I believe I'm about to find out that they are passing on me as a candidate.

Here are some possible reasons for this company deciding not to hire me:

1. There was one question where an interviewer asked me what I was most proud of, and I didn't have a good answer. The reality is I'm not sure what the answer is, and I think the reason for that is that I don't feel a ton of pride in where I am at the moment. At the age of 47, I feel like I've accomplished next to nothing. Also, it was a personal question and I tend to be very guarded with personal stuff.
2. There was another question where I was asked how I prepared for the interview, and in retrospect I think I got this at least partially wrong. The right answer would have been to talk about researching the company and the interviewers, but instead I talked about making sure that I understood my own value proposition. That isn't totally wrong, but I should have talked about both - research and personal value proposition.
3. May have come across as low energy
4. There may have been an issue with record of accomplishment - not selling them effectively on what I've done in the past. I'm not sure about this.

On the positive side:

1. I know I came across as intelligent, articulate, and insightful.
2. I believe I successfully communicated lessons learned from my past experience
3. I asked good questions
4. I know I successfully communicated my core value proposition - smart, empathetic, customer-focused, belief in structure and organization
5. I think I did well in the case study

While the interview was positive overall, I feel like there wasn't much to grab onto and close the deal. I'm sure the interviewers liked me overall, but I don't know that I really sold them. 

So how do I build on the positives?